I have known you for almost 20 years. You were always around but never around me. You were there with others, my friends, but never was I on your radar.
Fast forward many years, we have both matured...or so it seemed. Was it random that we ran into each other or was it fate? I think it was fate, I think this because since that moment my life changed so much. You welcomed me into your life, a life you spoke little about. Little did I know why you didn't speak of it. You told me you were not with her anymore, that you didn't love her, that you were not sleeping with her. I should have known better, I should have seen the signs. I don't think I wanted to, you were who I wanted to be with. I asked you to leave her, you told me you couldn't. I didn't realize why, until....I learned why...
It was because there was another woman...this one was small and fragile. It was your baby...your baby that you had with her....the baby you had with her when you swore that you were not with her anymore. In the moment I learned the news, my world crumbled. I couldn't believe that I had not known, that I had not seen the signs, that I let myself fall so totally and deeply in love with you that I didn't see what was around me.
In that time, the broken shattered me made some bad decisions. I was trying to fill the void. I filled it, I filled it with a friggin bull dozer that would destroy my heart, my soul and my trust in humanity.
Yet another love, or what I wanted to be love, was gone. Now I am alone, and lonely. I try..hmm, just maybe he is still around.
I am not sure what I wanted, or maybe I did but didn't want to admit it. I found you, thinking about it now, I always find you, but are you ever looking for me? We talked, you apologized for your behavior. You told me all that has happened to you and I again believed you. We started dating...or what you could call dating when the two people live in different states. You came up for a visit, it was magical. I knew I never stopped loving you. We continued dating, we would talk on the phone and email but still you were allusive. You never really answered my questions, but still I was blinded. You came for more visits but never were they only for me, always someone else had your time too. You even hinted to bigger things for us, a change in my last name. Oh my god...I couldn't even believe it. Then on one night in a lovely talk I said, let me come to you, we can be together. You answer was no, shatter went my heart. You told me you were no good for me that I deserved better. I couldn't understand that...how dare you tell me that!
That is were it ended, or so I thought. You would always pop back up when things were starting to go good. You would make me fall in love with you all over again. You were always who I wanted...I could never say no.
Now we are here, you came for another reason but you said I was the first one you wanted to see. I came like I always do. You treated me like I was the only thing you wanted...for a while at least. We went out, we played "couple". It was nice but then I sit there looking at you and of course I love you, I have always loved you...please don't go. Please hold me close, please tell me you love me as much as I love you. Please don't go.
You left. I am alone again, until the next time my love.
